Writings of Recovery

The Darkness No Longer Holds Me

The mental obsession and the twist of the mind. Distorted thoughts ruled my days from the moment I awoke to the moment I fell asleep. No physical hunger. Never physical hunger. But, escape. Seeking a sense of comfort, control, and numbness over the feelings I did not want to feel.

Forget about nourishment; bring on distraction, self-hate, and false rewards (I deserve this, damn it!) Physically full, yet hollow inside. One was too much; 100 was not enough.

Gratefully, in recovery, I have learned new forms of nourishment – connection, self-love, boundaries. To trust my Higher Power to hold me. When the darkness is all around, my HP holds me, creating a barrier that the darkness cannot penetrate.

I can see it and acknowledge it, but I do not have to partner or embrace it as I have in the past, ironically believing it to be love.

Recovery has taught me that freedom isn’t about control or perfection-it’s about alignment with my Higher Power’s purpose for me and to absorb how valued and loved I am by my Creator and other beautiful beings.

For today, I rest in the knowledge that the darkness no longer holds me. My Higher Power does. 12 step recovery does. This is my truth.