Writings of Recovery

What does freedom mean to me?

When I was a young married person, my aunt got our extended families together and made this statement, “with all the kids growing up and everyone vying for your presence over the different holidays…everyone else can have you for all the other ones, but I want you all to commit to me your 4th of July.” With that, she proceeded to create a magnificent holiday where everyone gathered at their beautiful lakefront property.

For the rest of the year, we all went our separate ways but for that weekend, we were all united as one. Every year, we would pick a state and everyone would wear costumes based on that state. Some of my favorite memories of my mother revolve around her creativity in her costume choices. One year she was a Coney Island Hot Dog for New York; another year, a Salem witch for Massachusetts; and then the ‘Fountain of Youth’ for Florida. My aunt was an accomplished chef and would cook for days, creating a magnificent meal inspired by the chosen state. She also kept the house stocked with every snack and treat imaginable.

This was my favorite for many different reasons. We celebrated this way for about 25 years, until relatives moved away to other states, and my aging aunt and uncle sold their property. I remember the last year we gathered. New boyfriends of the nieces and husbands of the cousins rolled their eyes at the ridiculousness of our family tradition. Something had changed. I could sense it. This had run its course. we were forcing something that was no longer there. Even though nothing was said, no state was discussed for the next year, and I knew this was our last gathering as this traditional family unit. That was 2018.

I think about those holidays as bittersweet. Some of my sweetest family memories were also coupled with the mental obsession of my addiction. I was not free to be fully present for my family. To listen to their stories and catch up on their year. To decide to stay home under the guise of cleaning up instead of going on the boat to watch the fireworks, so I would be among the leftovers of our holiday meal and homemade treats.

How much more over the years have I missed out on to feed my addiction/disease?

For Today, freedom for me is freedom from the obsessive thoughts and behaviors. To honor life on life’s terms. To be fully present for my loved ones instead of my addiction. Above all, to trust that my Higher Power has my future in hand and all I need to do is stay in the moment.

In this moment, I am free.