Writings of Recovery

Once I am comfortable feeling uncomfortable…and now that I love myself…

This was something I could not even imagine a few years ago. Why would anyone want to be uncomfortable? The lengths I would go to make sure I never felt that sensation. The consequence was numbing myself from all the feelings, good and bad.

‘Once I am comfortable feeling uncomfortable’ became a part of my awareness and processing about a year ago. Rolling around in my head…’what would it be like to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable?’ This time, I did not repel such a notion. I was intrigued. Curious. Almost entertained.

I started putting this concept on like a loose garment, testing it out. Feeling discomfort and how it weaves its way through my body. A little bit here. A little bit there. It’s different, but huh, not as bad as I imagined it in my head.

Picking up more moments and opportunities to stretch outside of my comfort zone. Setting a boundary. Speaking up with clarity, honesty, and authenticity. Not turning to my addiction to escape. Being ok with not being ok.

I breathe deeper and with more intention now, to ground myself and be present. Present with my feelings…all of them.

Ironically, this presence and awareness of the feelings, all of them, are not as scary as they once were. Circumstances, moments, and conditions that I would once run from, are now something that hold less trepidation than it once did. Sometimes I even get a glimpse of ‘bring it’, whatever “it” may be. I believe this is in direct correlation to the trust I am building with my Higher Power. I recognize I have a long way to go, but I also recognize I have come a long way.

And now that I love myself…yes, I can embrace this as truth. For so long, I would beat myself up with (and over) self sabotage. The disconnect between head and heart. This is mending. I do not betray or sabotage myself as much as I once did. The affirmations I used to not be able to say, I can say now:

*I am comfortable feeling uncomfortable

*I love myself

In gratitude, I can say these things and, more importantly, I can believe them.